Change yourself or your spouse in marriage? - NikahExplorer
Marriage is the unity of two different sorts of people who will now live together for the rest of their lives. It is very obvious that there will be crackers when this happens! This is because these are 2 different kinds of people, two different personalities, 2 different sets of habits and 2 different family values. Infact, almost everything about them is different. And here they are, in the institution of marriage, trying to make it work. Well, the result is undoubtedly one of the most learning experiences of your life and one that many consider life changing.
The first and foremost issue that comes up in all marriages is the need to change the other spouse. This alone is the WORST enemy of your marriage as there is little or no progress involved on both sides. This is not due to the fact that both parties are stubborn. No. this is because it is inherently impossible for one human to change the personality of the other. A personality is not a habit and hence cannot be easily changed. So when a wife turns around and tells her husband that “who you are is not good” or “you have an inadequate personality, I want more” she is doing more harm than good. When a husband says the same to his wife, it does the same level of harm. This is because like all humans, we all have flaws and we all have good points.
Allah has said in the Quran not to hate your wife for if you hate one thing about her you will like another. How true that is. This also makes us reflect our own selves. Are we perfect? Certainly not! Will we change ourselves if our spouse asks us to. Some might agree, others might say we’ll try but most certainly find it difficult. The fact is that as humans we don’t take nicely to constantly being nagged. If your wife tells you you’re not good enough, you won’t like it. If you tell your wife she’s not good enough she won’t like it. And that ends there. Except that it does not. This nag, this constant demand for your spouse to change by you, is doing your marriage a great deal of harm. So let your wife be. Leave your husband alone. Live with them in patience and compromise, not only love and mercy. Be their garment, hide their flaws. THAT is what Allah has asked us in fulfilling our relationship. Don’t make your spouse change and don’t change yourself. Compromise, yes, and focus on building the marriage.